Pregnant Wife 101 (part 1)
(Intro). My wife is 37 weeks which means that according to Doctors, our little guy fully cooked and is considered full term. Any additional time that he spends in my wife is like the midnight buffet on a cruise ship. It is definitely not necessary, but if it's offered, why not take advantage? He can use weeks 37-40 (or dare I say 41) to pack on the pounds and make my wife’s everyday life (and mine - by the law of the transitive property) miserable. Since I am so close to the finish line, I figured let me provide my loyal readers some pregnant wife tips to get you through pregnancy. I will follow this up with part two once I experience it and let you know what to do and of course, not to do during labor based on my F-ups.
At the beginning of her pregnancy, my wife was blessed with morning sickness. But whoever coined the term morning sickness is definitely mistaken because we would have been very happy if the sickness occurred just in the morning. For us, we were fortunate enough to have “morning sickness” all day long. We should have bought stock in saltine cracker companies. Our first bout came on the Garden State Parkway one night after a Mexican dinner out. Dads, listen up. You have two choices when your lady gets sick during pregnancy. Option one is to pretend that you don’t hear it and hope that works (good luck with that one…maybe that will work for the middle of the night feedings as well) or man up and support her while she’s doing her thing. For me, just the sight of someone vomiting was enough for me to toss my cookies, but seeing my wife sick because of our little guy made me sad for her. I harnessed my inner superhero and held back her hair and rubbed her back to help. My opinion is to go with option two on this one.
In our relationship, my wife is my Google calendar, my alarm clock and my daily reminder. She briefs me prior to parties (yes, like the President), instructs me on what to wear and pretty much runs the show. Yes, I said it. My wife is the boss. There is definitely no confusion about who wears the pants. Anyway, her memory is so good that she can quote what I said to her in an argument 8 years ago. This has changed recently (well the short term stuff. She can still quote old stuff). If I don’t remember to do something, it’s not going to get done right now. Apparently pregnancy brain sets in and a woman’s ability to remember tasks is greatly compromised. You can now see the dilemma I was faced with. Don’t laugh because this may be you. How did I get through this? Easy. Lots and lots of Post Its and phone reminders. Don’t get mad about it, your wife will be frustrated enough without you constantly reminding her about it. Make sure you bring your A game. You will not only need to remember your own stuff, but her's too. My morning routine now involves a pee run quickly followed by my morning quote of “Hun, have you taken your vitamin?”
Unless your wife is one of those weirdo’s on “I didn’t know I was pregnant” (that’s show makes for a whole separate blog), there are a couple of things that are going to definitely happen during your wife's pregnancy. 1. Shes going to gain weight. 2. Her boobs are going to get bigger (I know, terrible right?) 3. Most of her her regular clothes aren’t going to fit 4. She is going to have regular aches and pains. There are probably a bunch more that I’m forgetting, but those are the biggies. Here’s how to handle them as good as possible. 1. Weight gain- do not (and I repeat do not) tell her how big she’s getting. She already knows that she’s gaining weight, she does not need you to tell her. Consistently remind her how great she looks. The swallowed a basketball line is a good one. They love it. 2. For guys, boobs are like money. No matter how much you already have, more is better. Do not play with her funbags like they are a new toy. Her boobs are bigger because they are swollen. Imagine taking a ball or a punch to your man jewels and then having your wife bounce them around. Not fun. Remember that when you’re admiring her new additions. 3. If you’re one of the lucky few that has never gone shopping with the Mrs, now is the time for that to change. Remember, she is carrying around a minimum of 2 or 3 bowling balls on her belly with no break. Asking her to carry anything additional is selfish and moronic. You need to go with her (or at least make sure someone else does) to carry any bags and any items that she needs to try on. Going with her would be a nice touch since she is carrying YOUR child. Plus, you can pick out clothing that accentuates her big boobs! 4. Now that we are nearing the end of the pregnancy, the aches and pains have gotten worse. As much as I would love to give my lady a 50 minute Swedish massage, my fingers beg to differ. Instead, I give my lady as many 50 minute Swedish massages as her body can desire. Yep, I got her a membership to Hand & Stone which is a chain massage place. Some people may say it's expensive, but my wife is worth it. If I can spend $ on the new Madden Football game for Xbox, I can splurge and get her that. Just make sure that the masseuse is certified in pre-natal massage. If you can't spring for a massage membership, get some massage oil and watch some you tube videos and at least try to help her out. You can also run a hot bath for her which should help.
Fellas, this is like the 10 crack commandments. Follow these rules and instead of having mad bread to break up, hopefully you will have a happy (or at least semi-happy pregnant wife.)